A weekend as a girl (Part six)

A WEEKEND AS A GIRL (Part six)

Bravery is not a function of firepower - Deus Ex

As I sat here sipping soda from my last clean glass, thinking if I should do the dishes instead of writing an entry tonight, I realized that something gnawed at the back of my head. Earlier today, a precious someone remarked upon a nuance of sexism that they realized in my experience, and something I've been meaning to get into as this review nears its end. But the more I thought about it throughout the day, the more it established itself, and by this time, I can't get the topic out of my head. So here it is, at least one day in advance, because this is more important than dishes:

FIFTY NUANCES OF SEXISM

Sexism is the reason I chose to do this experiment in the first place, sexism towards women, and sexism towards men. Try as we might, many of us are sexist, and we keep slipping up even with the most loving of intentions. Prejudice towards a gender is like Malachor V in Star Wars, a planet crackling with the dark side of the Force so intensely that the planet itself corrupts, and with it unstable gravity risks pulling anyone near it in. Quite the elaborate comparison, and I'm sorry if you didn't get it, but hear me out: 

Something I experienced at the convention A LOT, that I haven't addressed barely any, is how people reacted to ME complimenting THEM. And without beating around the bush, I'm going to tell you that never in my life has it been easier and more anxiety-free to compliment another person. Yesterday, I wrote that I called a girl exciting, and she went into high gear talking about her outfit. During my "talk" with this girl, I realized that I never would've dared to say that to her as a man. She could be sporting, she could've loved it and gone on as she did, but she also could have gotten creeped out. I went about calling people gorgeous, sexy, pretty, cute, beautiful and more and I was never met by disgust or worry or a look that asked me what my intentions are.

Don't be jealous, Wonder Woman!

You can have Batman.

Telling someone about something positive I felt about how they looked, their behavior or anything of that sort, has never felt more disarmed. And it freaked me out. What do you think is the most dangerous form of sexism? Is it the person grabbing your ass, or perhaps that guy that wanted you  under the sheets? No. It's the sexism you don't see. It's the sexism you don't consider sexism. It's that subtle thing that you don't know exists. I get why girls are freaked out by some strange man coming up to them and telling them that they look freaking hot, but it has me thinking? Doesn't perverted girls exist? Or do they, and we just don't want to see them? Honestly, perversion isn't gender based. You aren't more likely to be a pervert by being a man, it's not how sexuality works. Sexuality is a separate thing from your gender.

What I'm saying now isn't that girls should stop being freaked out by men giving them compliments, because there's a great deal of sleazy bastards out there, that doesn't have your best interest at heart, and whose mind does naughty things to you at the moment of speaking with you. But I AM telling you that there's something broken in society, something that shouldn't be. There's a damage that scares me more than an ass grab or a shameful remark: The other side of the coin.

There were points during the convention that I reacted to, that I didn't think I would. And the most notable one, is when a girl said I had a hot piece of ass. I smiled, I was flattered of course, and then it hit me like a truck: Why was that okay? How could she say it so casually, and not set off alarms in my head? She wasn't the only one that complimented me that weekend, and wasn't the only girl to check me out. People of all genders looked at me, and a lot of people didn't seem displeased with what they saw. And only men weird me out (even though most of the time, I rather liked that they looked at me. I have gone into this before, and I need to iterate, because I felt super sexy!). I started asking myself the question if it was alright for girls to treat girls in a way that wouldn't be alright for a man to do, and my answer was simple and definite: Yes. Many of the things that girls told me this weekend, a guy wouldn't have been able to say without sounding weird. Many times he would sound outright creepy. Why was that? Because we expect men to be pigs, until proven otherwise. Even men does it! I did it. I got into this suit, fully expecting to be treated bad by men. And I got it. But I also realized that I was getting much of the same treatment from women. I was objectified by women too! Smiling, laughing women. Happy, normal people.

There are many sides to this issue.

And it exists for men and women alike.

Before you read too much into that statement, let me offer you a contrast: It didn't feel the slightest bit weird for me to walk up to a guy, and telling him that he looked fantastic. I even did so at one time to someone that wasn't in cosplay, I just really liked his style. I'm going to be honest, and tell you that it was one of few times that I let sexuality drive a comment of mine, rather than just plain adoration, amazement or appreciation, because I enjoyed the way he looked on multiple levels! (If you know who you are, feel free to message me!) He looked really awkward when I told him! It could be because he didn't expect a cat eared biker to step up to him, but it could also be something deeper. 

Thing is, men aren't good at taking compliments, not generally, because we don't often receive them. It isn't commonplace. If you tell a guy he looks good, he'll do a light chuckle and thank you, or almost thank you in the form of a nervous question: "... Thank you (?)". There are of course those that are appreciative, and that take it in a way that you should, smiling and gratefully. But the thing is, society isn't nice to men. Sure we don't suffer the things that women suffer, THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM SAYING! But just because we aren't objectified like women are, or suffer from as deep problems, that doesn't mean that we can't be in pain, or that we can't have problems. You need to understand that admitting that men have problem, doesn't mean we ignore that women have them. And men have problems! 

A majority of the compliments I got this weekend, was from women. This says some things about our culture: First, that women more readily compliment one another. Second, that men are afraid to compliment women. Third, that we don't expect women to be perverts. And before you go about telling me that you do acknowledge that there are female perverts, I need to tell you that there are also male non-perverts! It's not an excuse to say that you're far more likely to run into a male pervert than a female one either, because that makes you part of the problem. 

I get that it's an act of self-preservation to assume someone to have bad intentions, and after Saturday evening, I get it on a level that's etched in my mind forever. I feared for my safety on a level I never have before. But giving up on mankind is not a solution, as dangerous as it sounds. And I'm not telling women everywhere to stop looking over their shoulders as they walk home, I'm not telling you not to have the emergency number ready, because the world is an ugly place. Bad things happen. But a lot of men wants to love you, wants to care for you, and be kind. And they aren't let in. I know this well, because any time I try to be kind, girls often look at me as if trying to find a hidden agenda. And all I want is to tell you that you look great. I don't want to buy you a drink, I don't want to go to your place, and I don't want you to give me points in some book you keep about what men to date. I just want you to feel good about yourself, I want you to know that I think you look lovely, and I want you to smile. 

Not all men do, I get that, but not everything that a man wants to tell you, is sexually charged. I have never felt more free to compliment a girl, than I did this weekend. And I didn't compliment girls for any hidden agenda. You need to understand that I never intended to tell anyone at all about myself, I initially meant to go in and out of Comic Con Gamex 2015 completely anonymously. Celty would've come and gone without anyone knowing who I was. Then this blog happened. My point though is that I genuinely just wants to tell you that you look amazing, when I do tell you. The reason I didn't tell everyone at the convention this, is because I only have so many pens, and wouldn't have been able to individualize the message as often as I'd have liked. 

At the beginning of the first day, I had a compliment written on the whiteboard, but I erased it. Why? Because it took the punch out of the kindness. If you read it, you will think "She tells everyone that.", but if I walk up to you and write then and there that you look beautiful, you'll embrace it in a whole different way. So rather than numbing the compliment, I chose to warn you about aliens instead. Might not have been what I initially wanted, but it fit with the character. 

They live among us! Warn your friends!

Earlier I mentioned that men are afraid of complimenting women, and I don't want you to fight me on this, because it's true. Perhaps not always, but there's a good reason for why men are afraid. And that's because a lot of the time, it gets awkward, and sometimes we get a look back as though we're thinking what we're going to do to the woman. There's a perceived sexual charge in the compliment, that wasn't supposed to be there. That isn't there. And even the times that it might be there, that it might even be intentional, that doesn't automatically make the person a bad person. If someone finds me sexually appealing, that's not wrong of that person. That person isn't wrong for finding me appealing, and shouldn't be made to feel as though such is the case. There's a good way of telling someone something like this though, and a bad way.

My point in saying that there are subtle nuances of sexism, is this, and it's probably not going to be the most popular statement: It's sexist of a woman to treat my compliment different from if another woman had said it. You might have a good reason for not trusting me, but that doesn't free you from the accusation that it's sexist. You've made a decision based on my gender, rather than me as a person. Women does this frequently, and while I (again) get why, it cripples the fight for equality. And it has to start somewhere. If you can trust that the girl just passing you at the convention, complimenting your ass won't rape you, trust that a boy telling you that you're sexy won't either. 

And I'm not saying that the man is free from blame on this. A lot of the time, a woman appreciates it when someone walks up and gives her a compliment (so long as it's a sensible one), and won't smack you for telling her that she's pretty. The other side of the coin that I talked about just before, is that men expect women to react in a certain way. Sometimes when men walked up to me to compliment me, you could see the worry in their eyes. They were eyes that said "Don't hate me" when they told me I looked great. There was a tone to their voice that sounded as though it would crack. 

And as Celty, I wasn't always any better. I expected men to be bad. One particular case, a man on my first day as Celty walked up to me from across the hallway, and before he even reached me, I had imagined the whole conversation in my head. Granted, this was before I was used to the convention or the body, but I was shocked and ashamed when he simply said "Great cosplay. I love Durarara." And then walked back. I had expected worse. And that's something worth noting: I, a man, expected a man to say something inappropriate. Society's image on the man runs deep. 

I know a lot of people are going to disagree with this post, because I've done a lot of broad claims. I've talked a lot about society, and about male and female behavior, and that's been bold of me, because I'm not a woman. But this blog is about how I experienced things, and how I see the world, and that's not going to change. If I'm wrong, I'm sure a lot of you are going to tell me, and that's good. But the thing is, that I see the world in this way, says something about the world. I'm not just being paranoid either, because I know a lot of men that think like me on this matter, and I have talked to a lot of women that agree with me. I am not new to the gender debate, and I have taken a genuine interest in it for a long time. While I'm not going to pretend that my perspective is facts, it does hold some meaning. 

Me and Wall-E became  the best of friends! We even played together for a bit.

Now this is a friend that's capable of taking out the trash!

WRAPPING UP SEXISM!

There. Sexism solved. Heh. Heh. Heh. I jest. There is a lot of work to be done, but we're making progress. Problem is, there are a few in society that significantly harms life for the many. Rapists, bigots and fanatics won't go away, not ever. It's almost a tradition for humanity to occasionally spit an idiot out into the world, and for as long as they keep coming, there won't ever come a time when we can lower our guard. I don't think women will ever be completely free from the dangers that society puts before them, and that makes me want to cry. It makes me feel powerless, it makes me feel worthless at times, and it makes me sad. But I'm wrong when I feel like that, and I know it. And here's another piece of subtle sexism, that I've grown up with: I'm expected to be able to save womankind. In a  majority of the stories I grew up with, the man saves the woman from danger, and succeeds. The man always succeeded. 

And no, I'm not oblivious to the fact that the woman almost always had to be rescued. It's awful, but it's not my point. THAT is sexism we talk about daily, the damsel in distress issue in fiction. 

Sexism is all around us, but we aren't always ready to acknowledge that it is. During this weekend, I experienced all sorts of sexism, and even after, upon  writing about it, I experienced it from people criticizing the review. I've been told that I shouldn't write about these things, because I'm a man. I've been told that I SHOULD write about these things, because I'm a man. I've been told that I shouldn't have done this experiment at all, because it's going to do my perspective harm, I'm going to think that women are worshiped, because I'm a man and won't ever know what it's like. A lot of the arguments against me, has been about me being a man. 

And while it's true that my perspective won't ever be flawless, that I won't ever truly get what it's like to be a girl, dressing up as a girl and doing this is NOT sexist. If you claim that it is, you don't understand the word sexism. That I say I didn't hate being objectified, isn't sexist. Someone telling me that I'm not allowed to say that, IS! Sexism is the act of reducing someone to their gender, and basing information on that fact rather than them as an individual. Sexism isn't even necessarily something with a sexual charge, or always even with bad intentions.

Regarding intentions however ... Telling a male already at a young age that men save women from evil dragons and burning buildings, positive as it sounds, is going to leave scars. What it's done for me, is made me feel as though I can't ever do enough. Because womankind is in pain, and I'm helpless to stop the pain. I feel insignificant, because stories and movies have raised me to aspire grand heroics, and I can't ever accomplish the heroic, happy ending that the knights in shining armor did. I know that thinking of stories in this light is a bit of a perversion of a story about finding true love and so on, but that's the impact they have left on me. I don't remember the evil queen poisoning Snow White as vividly as the prince being just where he needed to be to make it all better. And failing to make something better, makes me sad.  This is inescapable, and even if saving a woman was switched out with saving a dog, or society, it would still leave a scar. But considering how often it's portraying a man saving a woman, there's an issue. Men need to be portrayed as victims! It's vital for the psyche to learn that men can be victims too, that men are allowed to fail, to be weak.

Recently plucked eyebrows and makeup on me for the first time ever.

Gaze upon the eyes that hid underneath a helmet for three full days.

Two wonderful friends of mine helped prettify me in case I needed to take the helmet off.

They made me want to walk around without helmet, just to see if anyone would compliment me! I felt that pretty.

THE END OF PART SIX!

Let's recline and take a look at the grander picture, because I have something that I want to say that simply has to be said: Women are amazing. I love you. I adore you! You're an enormous source of inspiration, and strength, and I'm going to tell you why I feel the need to say this: In part four, I told you my train story, about those men. I have had a lot of women write to me, telling me how sorry they are to read about it, and being really wonderful. They have given me advise, they have talked about things they've been through, and about life as a woman in general. I've felt so loved, and one of the worst  feeling I've ever felt has turned into something prosperous. I'm being told stories, I'm being told points of view, and I'm being showered in love (even though I've also had people use that story for an ugly use, telling me that because I'm a male, I even then wouldn't be able to appreciate the dangers of the situation, and the life of a woman).

Here's my point though: You, women, are amazing. You grow up to stories where you're saved, where strong men time and time again has to save you. You are forced to suffer through unhealthy expectations and beauty ideals, and when you don't fulfill these, you're often made to feel absolutely awful by large parts of society. There are commercials, movies, comic books, advertisement and even clothes and toys that ask you to be a certain way. You live with a constant, lingering fear of what sort of man this man walking towards you in the evening might be. Is he a bad man? Is he an evil man? Oh good, he wasn't. But will the next one be good? There are those of you that arm yourself by one method or another. One girl told me, next time I cosplay Celty and feel unsafe, to grasp and use my keys  as a weapon in case something goes wrong. IN CASE! Some carry actual weapons, such as mace. 

Where am I getting with this? You're still here. You can still smile. You aren't socially broken. You spend a lifetime enduring all these things, and many of you even manage to joke about some of these things. Some of the strongest people I know in life, are women. Some of the funniest, some of the most inspiring people that I know have grown up under awful conditions, and have become great. I was a girl for a weekend, and I wanted to go and cry at several occasions. Granted, that was by how I was treated by women, but there's THAT as well. You're not only expected by a male dominated society to be in a certain way, but you also struggle with shaming from your own. You wear too few clothes? "You're slutty". You weigh more than a certain amount? "You're ugly". With all of these things going against you, you still wake up in the morning and go out there. Suffering the event at the train on Saturday, made me hesitate to go out again Sunday. And that was one scenario. I can't imagine what this life does to the psyche, but I do know this: You are amazing. If this weekend has taught me anything, if there's one thing I take with me following this experiment, it's this: 

WOMEN ARE INCREDIBLY STRONG! WOMEN ARE AMAZING!

Look upon the embodiment of awesomeness, and revel! 

This weekend taught me this on a level that I can't even put into words. Writing the end of part six is among the most frustrating things I've done, because I can't put in words just how much womankind impresses me. This text, all of it, feels insignificant. I could spent all of this review trying to tell you how I feel, and it wouldn't be enough. With what I experienced Saturday evening, and all that I've seen this weekend, I have developed a respect for women that no amount of reading could have given me. 

To those of you reading this, that says I shouldn't have performed this experiment, you break my heart. Any time you've told me that I shouldn't have done this, I've had THIS in my chest, waiting to burst out. Knowing that your ignorance, your perceived authority in what should and shouldn't be done would've stopped me from learning this if you'd had the power to prevent me from performing the experiment, fills me with sorrow. I hope you've read this far, because despite all that you've told me, despite having made me feel bad, I love you. And this experience has helped me grow!

You're amazing. And I understand that this is technically me reducing you to your gender. This is technically sexism, but I don't care. All the people that have spoken against this experiment, have been women, and despite the mean things you've said, despite some of you making me sad, I love you. Some of you aren't kind, because some of what you've said to me hasn't been kind, and this right here that I'm saying now makes me a sexist, because due to the simple fact that you're a woman: I love you. And I'm not telling you this to guilt you in any way for how you behaved. If you think I'm in the wrong, it's your right to do so. If you think I shouldn't have done this, go ahead.. I'm telling you this, because you deserve to know that you are loved. That not all men are bad. That there are those among us that love you for simply being amazing, and that doesn't hope to get into your pants when we are nice. 

Also, boys ... we need to do something about this "manly" atmosphere we've suffered our whole lives. I dare all of you to tomorrow tell another man that he's beautiful, or cute, or handsome. Anything! Give someone a compliment, because we need to pull out from this funk that we're in. We need to start teaching the world about love, and if we can't love ourselves, how are we ever going to grow? Tell a friend. Tell a stranger. Tell your parent, sibling, son or boyfriend! Just do it. Don't hold back, and don't worry about being thought weird. Change has to start somewhere, so let's start within our own ranks!

Tune in tomorrow when I'm going to talk about ... actually, I'm not sure what. We'll see!

(This review is closing in on the ending, I promise)